NTKOG #27: The kind of girl who fails that most basic of preschool etiquette lessons — keep your hands to yourself! — when introducing herself to a handsome guy.
I am: an extremely hands-off learner in the ways of love & affection.
I am not: a toucher. If it isn’t clear by now, I’m pretty vanilla. (Well, a vanilla who knows how to party. Maybe a rum raisin?)
The Scene: A fabulous intimate cocktail party hosted by Justice in her gorgeous apartment in New England College Town. Bunch of clever future lawyers milling about, sipping mixed drinks with the bitter aftertaste of undergrad. Among all the quiet, twitchy SC Justice guys (and, of course, Muscles, whose charisma single-handedly carried the room), there is a shortish but extremely cute German academic with expertly manicured facial hair.
“What should TKOG do at this party?” asked Justice, and in that sure-footed spontaneous brilliance only brought about by have-to-chug-’em mixed-ish drinks, I snapped back: “Smack that guy’s ass!” As a joke, I figured. But the volley of giggles gave me courage. Well, either that, or the multiple red-cups full of whiskey.
German With Exceptional Jeans heads over to snap a pic for posterity, and I use it as my entry:
TKOG: So are you a 2L, or doing some sort of doctoral type law situation?
GWEJ: [all of boring dot com]
TKOG [eventually]: So I’ve got to ask — did you get those jeans in the US or Germany?
GWEJ: Here. They’re American Eagle, actually. Very pedestrian.
TKOG: Oh, so it must be all you.
GWJ: Wow, thank you?
Then I went — I WENT, GUYS! — for the smack, but during the lean-in, awkwardly caught eye contact with him and asked for permission. Rookie error. He laughed and told me, um, he’s not drunk enough, but I’ll be the first to know if he changes his mind.
The Verdict: Okay, so to me, I am neither a lechy ’60s-type bossman nor the coach of a made-for-TV football team, so it’s no great surprise that the ass-smack was way out of my league. But, dudes, people do this! I’ve seen it for-realsies happen! What do these girls have that I have not?!
No sense of shame, I guess, plus a firmer smacking hand, a more willing partner, and the brains NOT TO ASK PERMISSION. Truly never has the phrase “better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission” been so true as in the realm of playfully assaulting legal-minded immigrants.
[Edit: Oh, sober, I realize the nice balanced justice of the situation: When I say I have seen people for-realsies ass-smack, I forgot that one of the events I’ve witnessed was an old dude in lederhosen doing it to me! So by returning the favor (or trying to) to another German, I wasn’t being a too-fresh skeezball, guys! I was merely PAYING IT FORWARD!]
Not That Kind of Girl 