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Not an NTKOG: The kind of girl who, um, rouses her holiday spirit by watching The Slutcracker: an XXXmas burlesque revue. (Not an NTKOG because, dude, near-naked people humping vibrating candy canes onstage? Yeah, I’m kind of all about that.)

The Scene: The Slutcracker, obviously, at the Somerville Theatre in Somerville. And hey, Bostonians? I’m just going to wait here for a minute while you go ahead and BUY YOUR TICKETS NOW! (Shows tonight through Sunday, 8pm, with a Sunday 2pm matinée. GO GO GO!) After our last hang, I suggested the show to Anglophile and Porn Star. And it just goes to show you how cool they are that they immediately said yes.

“Hey, really awesome eating cupcakes with you erstwhile strangers. Wanna go out in a few days and watch people in underwear do stuff to each other?” …not even I would have said yes to that.

From the second the curtain opened on a large woman, wearing frilly underwear and a mesh body stocking, I think we could all sense there was something magical unfolding before us. When she reached down and pulled her cue cards out of her panties, we were sure of it.

The story is basically a retelling of The Nutcracker, with a few adult twists. Instead of a magical nutcracker, for example, Clara is gifted by her dirty-minded grandma (played by a spectacular 70-year-old burlesque lifer) with a big floppy dildo. And instead of the Nutcracker Prince, she cavorts around with a giant pink vibrator — who, judging by his arm and head movements, is of the rabbit breed, if I’m not mistaken. Don’t worry, though: they didn’t change everything. The dance of the sugarplum fairy, true to the original, definitely involved some people popping out from under skirts…

At first, I will admit, I was a bit horrified by how good the choreography was. At least twenty minutes of the beginning of the show is a straight modern ballet: talented dancers, measured movements, some dang Tchaikovsky. But then. But then. Duct-tape pasties! Male pole dancers! Undergarments that are more confection than function! And, of course, SLUTS AND LIGHT-UP HULA HOOPS!

I just can’t say enough good things about this production! Brilliant choreography; vibrant cast (especially the adorable fiancé!); uproariously inventive take on a holiday standard. I was truly laughing from curtain up until the final bow. Plus, one of my favorite things about burlesque culture is how earnestly enthusiastic it is about sex and the human body, in whatever size or shape or texture it happens to come in. There’s something deeply affirming about being able to openly scrutinize the human body and appreciate its awkwardness and occasional ugliness and, despite or maybe because of these things, dude, mind-blowing sexiness. Plus, did I mention sluts and hula hoops?! By god, kids, this is Christmas.

The Verdict: Absolute must-see, rollicking holiday fun not for the whole family. For my money? Total Christmas tradition in the making.

Um, dudes, at one point, a giant penis-shaped candy cane EJACULATED SNOW. So. Is that TMI Thursday enough for you? Check out today’s TMI Thursday greatness over at Livit, Luvit!

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