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NTKOG #106: The kind of well-intentioned busybody who can’t see a stranger let out a lovelorn sigh without immediately demanding all the details then attempting to caulk his broken heart.
I am: completely ill at ease when expected to comfort someone face-to-face.
I am not: interested in your woes, Lonelyheart. Get a blog, then we’ll talk.
The Scene: The Trader Joe’s by Sister’s house, Saturday night around 8:30, in a state of serious disarray. I’ve spent the past few hours in a blue mood — that particular “my first high school boyfriend is fucking engaged, and here I am, unemployed and wearing pajamas on a Saturday night” mood, if you happen to know it. Gathered my few purchases in the entirely empty store, then headed to the check-out.
Before I could take my earbuds out, the check-out guy asked how I was — I’m well, thanks. You? — and as I’m taking my headphones out, he says what looks like, “I’m doing well,” but is just one syllable too many. Surely he couldn’t have said — I mean, don’t he know there’s a protocol? — it’s inconceivable that he might have answered–
“I could be better,” he repeated, to my involuntary look of uptight honorary-New-Englander feelings-inspired mortification. “No, I guess I should keep it professional.”
Um, yeah. You should. But instead of smiling weakly and praying for him to speed up the process, I asked him what was wrong.
Trader Joe’s Clerk: No, don’t worry about it, it doesn’t have to be your problem. I should have kept it professional.
TKOG: I mean, life sucks enough without having to lie about who you are forty hours a week.
TJC: I cheated on my girlfriend.
Yikes. The clerk, incidentally, was cute in that over-expressive-faced European way. He looked like the drummer from Green Day with shorter hair. His eyes were red-rimmed. To my horror, they started watering.
He went on to tell me how his girlfriend had gone out of town and his ex had come to visit, asked to stay with him. He’d told her she had to sleep on the couch, but somehow….
“She tricked me! She manipulated me!”
“Yeah, we’re like that sometimes, women.”
After his tale of woe, I asked if he loved the girlfriend (yes) and said that, in my humble opinion, I didn’t see how he could do much better than making sure she could see he loved her and trying to earn her trust back. He thanked me and relinquished the bag of groceries he’d been holding hostage during the few minutes of our chat. Then put on my Garth and headed back out into my home-bound Saturday night, braless, pajama-clad, a guru.
The Verdict: Please don’t talk to me about your emotional woes in real life. I do not like it. I like to read about it, gchat about it, even sometimes talk on the phone about it, but in real life I do not know where to put my eyes when you want me to look into your soul.
It’s tough though, working in customer service and being treated like a robot all day. Especially if something is eating away at you or if you’re not feeling well or something. I bet this guy really appreciated a stranger actually caring enough to listen past his “keep this professional” disclaimer.
It’s true — I totally respect that sometimes you just need to let it out. I think I came up a little less sympathetic here than I actually was. Every once in a while I’ve TMIed a clerk (this, for me, usually involves starting out with the phrase: “I’m on a hero’s quest!”) and when that happens and they are cool, I really really appreciate it.
I guess this was just a good reminder that even when I’m not in the mood to be nice and try to comfort other people, it’s probably a good thing to do anyway.
i wish i had the option of not hearing it…i get so many sob stories and stories that require my advice i get sick sometimes…its one of the reasons i got a blog so i could air my ills.
Sure that was really awkward for you, but think of what a relief it must have been for that guy to be honest with someone who he would never see again. Probably not your intention, but your experience has inspired me to be more like a “well-intentioned busybody who can’t see a stranger let out a lovelorn sigh without immediately demanding all the details then attempting to caulk his broken heart.”
LMAO love of my life laughs at me all the time because apparently something about my eyes gives people the mistaken impression I am going to give a damn about them, often a simple hello solicits their entire life story. I feel your pain.
This is legitimately terrifying. I would have screamed and tried to run away.
Dear, I’m not sure if they make pajamas with bras in them, but if so I’ll send you some pairs so you can be properly attired. I do hope you told the TJ checker NOT to mention this to his current girlfriend as it was simply a lapse in judgment. Oh, yes, he was manipulated, but it complicates things to confess and
shows considerable immaturity to do so.
I, also, am not good at comforting people face to face. I get very uncomfortable. And then I start thinging out entire conversations in my head. And there’s always more than one, because one little comment could surely spin it in another direction entirely. And then, that entire time, I’m just completely silent and in my own head instead of being there for the person. This might be a bad thing, considering I’m studying to be a psychologist. I’m still deciding.
I don’t know what I would have done. It’s awkward and weird and uncomfortable for the listener, but the talker just needs to talk. I get it, I’ve been both people….but yea…thank G for blogs that allows one to vent without making people feel uncomfortable in public.
I’ve spent the past few hours in a blue mood — that particular “my first high school boyfriend is fucking engaged, and here I am, unemployed and wearing pajamas on a Saturday night” mood, if you happen to know it.
My first girlfriend is getting married soon and I don’t care. I do find it hilarious she didn’t invite me, probably knew my response would be something like, “AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!! Umm no.”
I think it’s nice that this guy was able to let out some of his thoughts. I mean, that must eat away at you. I think you handled it well- he probably really appreciated it.
But hey, maybe I’m the kind who only likes to hear about it, too.
It’s sweet that you actually went there. I don’t think I could. I’m kind of hands off as a person, sometimes I wish I could be more open and all that. I like that you do talk to strangers–sometimes I feel like we’re all so closed off. I often wish I could just walk up to someone and…be open.
You know what? you’ve inspired me! I’m going to make the effort. Once a week or whenever, I’m going to approach someone I ordinarily wouldn’t, and try to see if it changes how I feel about people or life.
I’m not very good with the platitudes, which is why I tend to avoid trying to comfort randoms… 🙂
I’m probably not the most compassionate guy anyways but, you so asked for it.
You’re usually so good at picking up warning signs.
file— “No, I should keep it professional…”
right after
“He took a call from his Mom….”
I remember working in retail and when things were going on at home, I would’ve killed for someone to just say something that showed that somebody cared!! It’s tough putting on a face at work and having to appear cheerful when crap is happening behind the scenes. But I’m totally with you in finding it hard to console people face to face. I’ll read an email or a blog ten times over and email back words of comfort and understanding that come from the heart – but put on the spot, I’ve always been a bit rubbish.
My coworkers are constantly dumping their sob stories on me. Evidently I give off some kind of vibe that I care (which I kinda DO NOT!) I have heard some very embarassing and awkward stories and it gives me the heebie jeebies. I, on the other hand am a very private person (despite my oversharing on the internet) and would no more tell people about my love life that I would shoot myself in the foot.
I feel your pain.
My eyes are watering (with repressed laughter). [singing Mariah Carey] Anytime you need a friend, I will be heeeeeere!
That is definitely “internet only” material. Some conversations with strangers just weren’t meant to involve eye contact.
Muscles says:
No sympathy! This guy knows something about tricking people into doing things they wouldn’t normally do. He only asked you how you were doing so you would ask him so he could unload himself, which is selfish, and the tricking people part makes it hypocritical too.
Alternately, he was hitting on you by hinting that he’s virile (can sleep with 2 women in somewhat close proximity), and soon to be available (will tell his current gf about the cheating).
Either way, it seems like you lose.
Profound stuff!
By the way, you’ve been quoted! http://qoddessquotesblogs.blogspot.com/
Two words. Many options:
1. Barolo
2. Vodka (it goes with everything)