NTKOG #95: A chimera today! The kind of vanity-absorbed excessive personal groomer who feels the need to rip her hair out by the dang roots; the kind of SATC-reviling thifty hippie chick who does that shit herself.
I am: talking about threading, guys. Oh em gee.
I am not: freaked out by anyone else’s body hair — I’m actually kind of a fan — so the idea of going beyond shaving with my own kind of squicks me.
The Scene: Anglophile’s bathroom. We went out to dinner and, over dessert, exchanged girlish confidences about eyebrow shaping. “I should really teach you how to thread sometime,” she mused.
“Well, what’re you doing right now?” I immediately responded. Because, dude, pro tip: inviting yourself over to hang out in other people’s bathrooms is the epitome of class.
Back at her manse, Anglophile grabbed a spool of regular old thread and gave me a little tutorial. Threading, if you haven’t run into it, is waxing’s lesbian sister: very generally, you cats cradle a length of twisted thread about your person and it magically removes your hair in vast swaths. Safe, fast and non-toxic, Middle Eastern women and hippie chicks have been applying it to their lips, pits and pubes for centuries.
Anglophile laced up her fingers and showed me the technique on her own face. “Nothing to it,” she smiled, skimming the thread nimbly around her already-hairless upper lip. “You try!”
Okay, dude, it looked simple. After a few tries, I managed to marionette the strings in approximately the right configuration.
“This isn’t so bad!” I crowed, jerking the string slowly over the invisible downy hairs at the corner of my mouth. “This doesn’t even hu—fuck. fuck. FUCK.”
“Oh good,” Anglophile told me. “That means it’s working.”
Holy shit guys. Let’s put the propaganda aside for a moment for a peek at the inner workings of threading. You twist a double-length of thread on itself hundreds of times, then rapidly move the twists from one side to another. The goal is to get all of your little hairs caught near their roots. Then when the string moves, the hair gets ripped out. Just like the time your grandma tied your loose tooth to the door then slammed it. (Goddamnit, grandma.)
After ten minutes of ferocious contemplation, the invisible hairs above my lip had been replaced by a huge flaming patch of angry red skin. Um, beautiful?
But after Anglophile sweetly bade me to get the frig out of her living room, my curiosity was as inflamed as my (baby-soft hairless) lip. A checklist for those of you who, like me, are either incurably imbecilic or apparently have a microfetish for macropainful beauty regimens.
Eyebrows: Threading is allegedly good for clearing your brows but, dude, from my limited experience, would only work if your weeds need some serious whacking. The point of threading is that it takes out a whole row of hair and, I mean, unless I unibrow up overnight, that’s just serious overkill. Attempted to do some shaping on top of my brow, but after two hairs realized I was putting myself in serious gotta-draw-them-back-on territory. PASS.
Leg Hair: Pro: threading rips hair out by the roots, so results last for up to a week. Con: threading rips hair out by the roots. Found a little patch of stubble on my knee and, after about ten minutes, yanked out fifteen painful friggin’ hairs. Swear-to-hair ratio: 5:1.
Those tiny hairs on your toe knuckles that, um, hey, any dudes who are reading this? women absolutely do not have: So if I theoretically did have any of these little guys to eliminate, threading might have yanked out all twelve of them in one brutally painful moment. Ruthless efficiency. Abject misery. Oh god when will death come.
Pubic Hair: Hells yeah I went there. After pep-talking myself to Eye Of The Tiger, wound up the thread, lowered it to the hair, pulled and — nothing. Tried it again — still nothing — a third time — nada. On my fifth attempt, I managed to noose a single hair and snap it in half, but, dang, guys. If you are idiotic enough to spend twenty minutes attempting to pluck out your pubic hairs with the contents of a travel sewing kit and those hairs remain unplucked? Take it as a sign of DIVINE FUCKING PROVIDENCE and leave well enough alone. I did.
The Verdict: Ouch. Ouch goddamn ouch with a double side of frig. Maybe it’s just because I’m inexperienced, but I’d rather translate Ulysses into Romanian than attempt another whole-body threading experimentation. Learn from my mistakes. The only hairs that it worked well on (upper lip, toes) are hairs so fine that nobody can even see them, so what’s the point? And as for more high-traffic areas, I’ll be sticking to my soap and razor, thanks.
[Edit: There’s nothing wrong with threading! Don’t fear threading! But if you’re going to try it, have it done by someone else! And not me.]
—
Heck yes I just said “toe knuckles” like seventeen times. You know why? Because it’s TMI Thursday. Go check out LiLu’s blog for more TMI glory (that hopefully doesn’t involve medieval pubescaping).
Whoever said women had it easy was nuts.
And probably a guy.
lol..agree with ken there.
AND btw, here in india, threading is very popular, except only for eyebrows and upper lips. weeding out hair from legs or sumthin will take an entire century!!
Holy shee-hit!!
Other than possibly being more environ %20 mental, this is basically similar to waxing (I know how it works, and either way you’re pulling hairs out by the roots).
I’ve been wondering about threading, so I’m glad you posted this. Anddd I’m thinkin I’m not gonna go there.
And ps: threading your pubic hair totally counts for a good TMIT!
i’ve been thinking about trying threading, thanks for the warning!
[…] That Kind of Girl’s TKOG Who rips her hair out (omg TMI) […]
Raise your hand if you are sick and tired of people acting like things that PULL YOUR HAIRS OUT BY THEIR ROOTS don’t hurt. Because yeah. All of my friends told me this shit didn’t hurt, but I didn’t really believe them. And now I know.
Also, I’m a wuss. I even put off waxing my eyebrows because I think it hurts and I hate it. But I hate plucking them more. Because I actually do have caterpillars for eyebrows.
teeheehee. you’ve got me giggling.
i like threading but i’ve never attempted to do it myself…that just seems like madness. brave try!
Wow, I’m impressed you tried out threading yourself! I am saddened it didn’t work so well for your eyebrows, however, I will say some of us ladies could use a fast way to get rid of unseeable lip hair……
That’s true! It actually does seem really really useful, but my hair grows at the rate of like a quarter-inch a year, so it’s just not the ticket for me. Plus, I have recurring nightmares about accidentally plucking my whole eyebrows off, so any process that removes more than one hair at a time is too much for this neurotic groomer…
Girl, you are brave. In case this post is going to scare anyone away from threading, I just want to say that it’s totally effective and only a little painful if you go to a salon and have someone else do it for you! I know lots of girls who get their eyebrows threaded.
I think the key is just not doing it yourself if you, like me, are a threading neophyte and kind of an idiot.
Once, I’ve had my beard and moustache waxed. Well, I must say it worked, but at what cost? I mean, it hurts like HELL! Sure, those 15 days of babyface were very good indeed! 🙂
Ahhh sounds so painful!!!! I have gone to many extremes to try to get rid of body hair. I’ve done waxing and nair and different kind of razors. I’ve even tried the smooth away thingy from tv (doesn’t work.) But never threading. Hmmm. Don’t think I will though now. Thanks for the heads up!!
You are a goddamn American hero.
I have never even heard of this procedure.
Your friend is a doucher though. Just lettin you walk into it without telling you that you were going to be tortured.
You got a blog out of it though. So that’s cool.
haha, dude, the first line of your comment — despite being facetious — is totally the first thing that has made me smile since the office paper shredder confettied me this morning. AWESOME!
Also, to be fair to Anglophile, who’s a pretty awesome chick, she did warn that it would sting a bit. And when I proposed trying to thread my legs, she told me I was an idiot. Then, in true idiot form, I ignored her warning. I mean, hey, have to live on the edge sometimes, right?
I’ve had it done a few times, and it was too much for me. But keep in mind, I regularly wax my eyebrows, underarms, legs, and arms, so I think I get a few gold stars for that. Curiously, I’ve always found eyebrow threading way more painful than waxing. Plus I like that pure feeling you get when they’ve ripped off everything including the dead layers of skin. SO freaking smooth.
You wax your underarms?! Holy cow, dude. Also, question: in order to wax, you have to let your hair get kind of long, right? How long does it get? How long do you grow it out? Do you have to hide your underarms while they’re in the grow-out stage?
I’ll admit I’m primarily asking because it seems like it might be a good excuse to go a few days (or weeks…) without shaving. “Tishtosh,” I could say, flashing my hairy armpits to all and sundry. “I’m just growing them out so I can get them waxed!”
Man. That actually sounds friggin’ ideal.
It’s surprisingly not that painful for me. Then again, the first time I ever did it, it was at the same time I was getting my first leg wax, so it might just have been, “OK, this is slightly less painful than waxing my legs.” And it’s really fast–five minutes or so, really.
I usually do my underarms about every 2 weeks. I find it’s not super noticeable before then. I wax it at about an inch long–you don’t have to wait until it’s a weed whacker or anything. 😀 It also tends to grow in a bit softer than it would if you shave. Plus in the winter, it’s not a huge deal if I go a few days with it a little longer–if I’m wearing a lot of sleeveless stuff, I’m more likely to go more often.
It’s definitely painful in the beginning–I’ve been doing it for about 12 or 13 years, so it’s kind of like you just get used to it. Anyway, let me know if you have any questions. There’s surprisingly few parts of my body that haven’t been waxed at some point (though I do draw the line at pubes, strangely enough)!
i’m doing the cringy super-fast foot shake over here because AAUGH OW OMG OMG. i’ve never waxed before because i’m a scaredy-cat; threading does NOT seem like a viable alternative either. eeeek. ow.
Ok, still male, so question about relevance, but I was apparently separated at birth, from a werewolf! 😉 Seriously, I can grow some hair just about anywhere I have places, well, other than one specific place that is!
OK, if you like that, you’ll love this little device: http://www.braun.com/global/female-grooming/silk-epil-epilators.html
I think epilators were invented by the CIA to torture terrorists. I use mine on my lip and bikini line. Now…the first time you go to use this thing on anything near your cooter, be prepared to see stars and be patient. But if you can get past that, the touch-ups aren’t bad at all.
Whaaaaat?! WANT! RIGHT NOW! Oh my gosh!
Also, can I say that it warms my friggin’ heart that I can post something like “yeah, I have a weird fetish for masochistic grooming” and instead of looking at me askew, the awesome dudes who read my blog are just like: “Here’s how you can hurt yourself more!”
I love it.
You’re not alone in your masochistic grooming rituals. I love plucking and poking and squeezing in a seriously sick way that would frighten most men I know. I think it’s really that we’re all just (mostly hairless) monkeys with instinctual grooming rituals. Just ask any woman who’s gone after a juicy zit on her boyfriend’s back with unconcealed zeal.
Epilators are freaking crazy. That stuff is like threading x1000. Definitely look into one.
Three things:
1. Go to http://www.solutions.com, click on PERSONAL CARE, and order yourself the R.E.M. Spring for $19.95. Same idea as the threading, perfect for the upper lip. And, er, chin. But you didn’t hear that from me.
2. If you aren’t paying a pro to wax you (and I have to pay a pro to at least do my eyebrows because, although I am willing to have my under arms waxed, I HATE plucking my eyebrows and I RESENT places where they pluck instead of waxing [Slovakia: I’m talking to YOU!]), buy the Intuition razor for pits, legs, and naughty bits. It has soap around the razor and it works a treat.
3. Read this: http://bratislavababy.blogspot.com/2007_06_01_archive.html
Scroll down to the June 13 entry titled “In Which I Go Temporarily Insane.” Like you said: Good Times.
I’m sorry to hear your experience was so bad but there is a trick to threading and making it not hurt, have it done by someone else. I’ve only ever had my eyebrows threaded but if you have someone else do it for you then your hands are then free to pull the skin so its taught and then it doesn’t hurt at all.
I’ve never heard of this!!! that sounds like something I’m gonna have to try . . . ‘cuz yanno, I like to put myself through torture.
Thanks for the review!
Oh my gosh, it sounds so painful!!! I’ll just stick with waxing thankyouverymuch.
“Ouch goddamn ouch with a double side of frig.”
Goddamn I frigging love you.
Ouch and no way would I have even attempted it ‘down low’, you brave girl!
I’ve only ever had my eyebrows threaded, but it was painful … never had them waxed, though. I honestly think girls have it SO much worse than guys … I wish we weren’t expecting to shave all these parts. But I’ll leave my knuckle hairs where they are 🙂
By the way, I answered your question from ‘Therapeutic Thursdays’ today!
I was unaware that threading still occurred in First World countries! Now I am intrigued-slash-horrified.
All I can do is laugh. A little TMI Thursday? I shave my feet…yep. I’d look like a friggin’ hobbit if I didn’t.
I’m impressed you tried to do this yourself! I saw someone having it done to their upper lip at a girly beauty night we had back in November last year and it looked bloody sore, not to mention complicated!
Holy crap, this might be my favorite NTKOG post ever. I was cracking up, mostly because I used to have my eyebrowns threaded in high school by my mom’s rando Indian friend who said I needed it to “get boyfriend.” Um, thanks. CANNOT believe you did it on yourself. Had a friend call me once after smearing wax over her nether regions and after ripping off half could NOT do the other half and I had to come over and rescue. Wow. Friendship.
How is hair removal so freaking funny?
Disclaimer: Hellz yah it hurts. But only if you haven’t done your eyebrows/upper lip/both in a WHILE. And if you’re at that stage…why are you not doing them now? If you do it consistently, it doesn’t really hurt.
May I also add that your hair, TKOG, is really light and fine? It hurts more when you pull out fine hair because the root is small. It’s like a pinch. If you give someone a huge pinch, it doesn’t hurt as much as a tiny, forceful pinch.
Cheers for being wildly unpopular, too. And I did NOT throw you out. You said you wanted to leave. I promptly retrieved your coat! =D
Not even a brief pro-body-hair-pride tangent? Are you not that kind of girl anymore?
haha, sadly, I’m not that kind of girl anymore. My first day in Boston, I bought a razor and was like, “Okay, dude, you’re single now. You have to shave your legs and pits every single day.” Which I stuck to for about a week. I’m pretty fuzz-free now, though.
Although obviously I’m pro-body-hair! I think pit hair looks really good on women! Everyone’ll get an earful of my body hair pride when I finally go waxing. There was no room for it in this post, sadly.
You are so brave for attempting this yourself, and I was cool until you actually tried to thread your pubes after what happened with the upper lip area. Somehow, a red and raw pubic area doesn’t appeal to me. In any context. But kudos to you for trying, and I’m glad that the pubie threading didn’t work.
omg lol. this post had me DYING with laughter – even snorted. so much so that my boss gave me the eyeball.
nice. my TMI post was about waxing – didn’t know threading was such a mission either – i’d heard it was painless.
siiigh.
why cant we just be hairless from the eyebrows down?
can I get a double side of frig?
but for serious yikes…
also I’m stealing double side of frig.
Jeez louise. I think I will stick to shaving.
Shaving my FACE, that is.
Swear-to-hair ratio… HA!!
Ok, ok, I feel you on this BIG TIME. Last week, I had my routine eyebrow threading. Happens about every, oh, I dunno, six weeks or so. I prefer it to waxing for the precision and minimal redness, since I typically do this little hair removal procedure on my lunch hour. Anyways…
This particular time, my usual gal was away. Um, bad news all around. The “new girl” over threaded my right brow. I’m sort of bald-esk there as a result. Fuck! Then (here’s the kicker) the bitch UP-SELLS me to include my upper lip, something along the lines of: “you want upper lip, too? You seem to need it.” Um, way to step on my self confidence, right?
So I do it.
The result: I’ve been nursing a partially bald right eyebrow and four rash bumps on my upper lip since then.
Lesson here: Stick to your usual hair removal expert, one who DOESN’T up-sell your ass.
oh my gosh, over-plucking or over-waxing eyebrows is my biggest cosmetic fear. Whenever I go to a new place to wax ’em (once a year or so, just to give me clean lines to follow with regular home maintenance), I always ask for the stylist with the thickest brows, because I know I can trust her.
Eeeee. I’ve never heard of this before and I am going to carry on like I never have. Shudder.
I’m compiling funny pieces from blogs I read and your comment about threading being waxing’s lesbian sister cracks me up. You’ve been quoted on my blog!
http://qoddessquotesblogs.blogspot.com/
Just wanted to let you know that I LOVE the entire concept of your blog and just nominated you for an award over at mine. 🙂 Looking forward to enjoying many more hilarious posts!
I love threading! There is a great place I go to each month in DC. I’d never do it myself though–too much work.
Never thought about the toe thing…hmmm…