NTKOG #64: The kind of girl who gets all sweaty and obsessive over the pale undead and wakes up ungodly early to swoon over Edward with the rest of the acne-ridden masses.
I am: into books. Real books. With tiny little elements like plots and pacing and character development. Maybe the occasional bout of internal story logic too, while we’re at it?
I am not: a Twilight fan, in short. Sorry, dudes.
The Scene: A cinema in Fenway, ungodly early, with the rest of the Twitards Twihards and their sleepy, grimacing boyfriends. Sister, for all her other graces, is among the afflicted, and has promised me a movie-size box of Sugar Babies if I’ll sit through the movie with her without scoffing too loudly. Sugarlust and sisterly obligation prevail.
For context, I read the first book with an open mind (then became — in words that Twihards will understand — quite mellifluous with my chagrin after about fifty pages); the first movie I watched with only mocking in mind. To express my response to “New Moon,” I present you with a poem inspired by another, better teen trash flick:
Ten Things I Hate About New Moon
I hate its hackneyed premise
and its screaming preteen fans,
I hate the cinematography,
those dizzying circular pans.
I hate the cliched dialogue,
I hate Lautner’s hyped-up brawn,
I hate the logical contradictions
and I fucking hate Bella Swan.
I hate how Meyer just can’t write
and how slow the story’s paced,
the lazy trope of perfect love —
I hate that they’re so damn chaste.
I hate how Kristen Stewart mumbles
and how she gasps at Edward’s touch.
But mostly I hate how I didn’t hate it,
Not even close, not even a little — well, okay, not much.
The Verdict: Yeah, you guys heard me. I actually didn’t hate this. Okay, it was sappy and overly long, and I wasn’t totally comfortable with all the soccer mommies sitting behind us cackling with lascivious glee at 17-year-old Taylor Lautner, but the movie itself? Not terrible. Unlike the first one, there was actually some nice character development with Jacob Black, the occasional snappy line, and some pretty okay art direction (when the camera guy wasn’t trying to get too cute.) Unlike the first movie — of which 98% was comprised of Bella and Edward congratulating one another for being so hot — this one sort of had a plot. A pretty watchable one.
Don’t get me wrong, I gave myself an eye-rolling cramp from scorning the pox upon humanity that is Kristen Stewart and her mumbly scream-sobbing. And there were big plot holes. But it was better than 2012, and in this day and age, isn’t that really about the best we could hope for? So yeah. Doing stuff I think I’ll hate: sometimes a pretty okay idea. Thumbs up from this un-undead dude.
[Also, as I’ve once again wowed you with my pentameter, this might be an appropriate time to beamingly update you that I’ve now heard back from all of the poetry journals that I submitted to a few weeks ago, and announce that I was blessed with two rejections, and three acceptances! Yes! I just found out tonight that I have a sonnet forthcoming in Word Riot‘s May issue, and two more in the next issue of some journal nobody has ever heard of, but which I applied to because it had an awesome name. Eeeeeeee! TKOG: published poet.]
yay! another one with a sane mind! come join our Anti Twilight-Mania group on 20SB… we just have to wait until it gets approved. excellent poem, btw. I’m usually not one for poetry, but i appreciated this one!
Congrats on being published!
I will wait for video, if I decide to see the movie. I haven’t seen the first and barely made it through the first book.
Congrats on being published!! I took a literary publications class in college and I know how hard it is to get your creative work available to the masses (other than our totally legitimate blogging). Yay for you!
Published! Nice work!
I loved your awesome poem, haha
Nice use of the 10 things I hate about you poem!
Any excuse to quote that quality film is okay in my book! Not going to lie, after many, many viewing over the past decade or so, I still always tear up over the poem scene when I’m watching the movie…
I love reading my hate for that miserable movie expressed in iambs. I tried to watch the first one thinking it would be a fun so-bad-it’s-good sort of a movie, but it was SO bad, it was just bad. I actually was so annoyed with it and just plain bored that I couldn’t finish it. My favorite part was when Edward “revealed” himself in the sunlight, because I literally said out loud, “I bet it just makes him more attractive,” which I thought was a joke… and then that’s what happens. Where in vampire lore does it say that sunlight makes you sparkly and lustrous? I always had the impression that it was supposed to destroy you, but that’s fine. I can see how having diamond skin could really tear a guy up inside.
I haven’t seen New Moon yet, and I’m not sure if I will…but I totally agreed with everything you hate about the first one. It may be among the top 10 worst movies I’ve ever seen. But it’s good to see that the second one wasn’t nearly as bad…kind of…
Yayyyyy!! Congratulations on getting published! That is awesome.
And I fully agree. Twilight was absolutely painful to sit through. I think I cringed throughout the whole movie, but New Moon was pretty do-able.
Dear, finally a poem that even your mother can understand if she, indeed, knew anything about those blood sucking teenagers.
Now that I am no longer a soccer mom (and how I do wish I could expose your one “soccer” photograph)and I can no longer partake in delights like Sugar Babies or Mikes and Ikes, which make movie going so rewarding, I’ll have to take your word on it. I heard that Sister bought you lunch. As well as not touching Sister, please do not mooch off of her either. I see a set of rules building.
Mom, what about Photoshopping someone else’s face, say Scarlett Johanson’s (cos her hair colour is so totally different) onto the soccer photo? And yes, still British, but entirely happy with calling soccer soccer.
Um, the picture is of me when I was seven, so said Photoshopping would be unbearably creepy.
It’s like poetry in motion. Loved it. (your poem, not the movie. Haven’t seen it.)
Congratulations on being published!
YAYYYY I’m so happy for you! Congrats again on being published!!
I lovvvved your poem.. and I think that should be published too.
And while I am not a twilight fan, I’ve heard several people who had a reaction similar to yours…and I guess I’ll have to give this movie a chance. Even though I severly disliked Twilight.
And I really liked 2012… hmmph. 🙂
Thanks, dude! And, yeah, while I wouldn’t say New Moon was worth going out and intentionally seeing, if you have friends who wanna drag you, it’s worth being dragged.
Also, I’ll admit I’m mocking 2012 without having seen it — maybe the hotness that is John Cusack makes up for the dumb action-movie-ness? (Also also, because I know you’ll appreciate this: I stood in line behind John Cusack at a fro yo place in LA years ago. He is even hotter in person. Swoooooon.)
Congrats on getting published several times, on your poem above and especially on not being a Twitard (pronounced twy tard)! 😀
I have nothing against the idea of changing vampires a bit as such (see under True Blood), but the Twilight saga is 4th rate Mary Sue fan fic!
My hatred for all things Twilight has reached epic proportions. I have a 12 year old daughter who is a voracious reader and not wanting to impede such pursuits, I bought her all the books. Apparently these books are all the rage at her middle school (as with everywhere else) but another parent had mentioned to me that there was some dicey material so I decided to read the damn things to make sure it was age appropriate.
Sigh. 3,000 pages of shit. Moderately interesting premise followed by 5 or 6 hundred thousand repetitions of the same scene.
Bella: “Oh Edward, I love you so, please ravage me.”
Edward: “Oh Bella, I love you so but I cannot for I will not be able to restain my desire to eat you.”
Bella: “I don’t care, make me a blood sucker!”
Edward: “No! It can’t be me!” Edward quietly sobs.
End scene. Repeat 4 billion times.
Nothing happens in any of the books until 20 pages from the end except book 4 which was actually kind of ok because it had a plot and things actually happened.
What pisses me off is that 70 MILLION BOOKS HAVE BEEN SOLD WORLDWIDE.
70 MILLION! Proof that most of the world is brainless.
End rant.
Dear, may I welcome you to the world of motherhood and pre-teens. Sounds like you got sucked into “Twilight.” But, dear, what do you really think? I think I know. You need a Zoloft:
all mothers do.
For me, its fatherhood (My wife doesn’t have the patience to read…where is my divorce lawyer!!!) but the point is well taken. What got me was when my well behaved, quiet, studious little dreamer entered middle school, within a week the attitude had ratcheted up 1000 percent, she started replying “I know…right?” to every single statement I or the wife made and she formed a perpetual scowl.
Sigh. Almost teeneagers…
Best. Poem. Ever.