NTKOG #117: The kind of brash Blanche Devereaux type who, when she catches eyes with a man, starts tossing out compliments like Mardi Gras beads.
I am: the girl who — stepping in front of the register at Dunkin’ — takes one look at the cashier and squeals: “I looooove your earrings!”
I am not: quite so keen on extending the same charm to men. God forbid they think I’m after something other than their brains.
The Scene: Bank of America, depositing a few checks for my office. The teller behind the counter is one of those good-looking guys with an almost feminine face that he tries to mask with designer stubble; judging by his gunmetal silver shirt and Kenneth Cole pocket square, I’d wager he’s one of those guys who falls on the side of uncool only because he’s convinced he’s so extremely cool. One of those people everyone loves at first sight then likes less and less. But even if I’m wrong about the personality, I can tell he’s not my type.
As he glances down at my deposit slips, his eyes flutter for a moment and, oh, he’s got the thickest, longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen outside of a Revlon commercial. If he were a woman, I would have immediately cooed, but because he is a man — and, worse, a man who might think I’m angling to sleep with him — my instinct is to check my tongue. But hey, I’m not that kind of girl, right?
TKOG: My god, you’ve got the most beautiful eyelashes! They’re spectacular!
Definitely Not Wearing Mascara: Women always say that. They’ve been saying that my whole life.
TKOG: That’s because they’re jealous. Hell, I’m jealous.
DNWM: That’s sweet of you.
For the rest of the day, I thought all was right with the world. I complimented a man! He didn’t take it awkwardly or give me a look dripping with letting-you-down-easy! We were able to interact completely platonically on a lady-dude-to-dudely-dude level of discussing physical aesthetics!
Then it all went downhill. Over the next few days, when I came in to make deposits, he escalated our chitchat to the degree that I had to take out both earbuds instead of only one. By Wednesday of the next week, he had complimented my dress. The unpleasant encounters came to a head when I dropped off a deposit after the 3:30 rush on Friday afternoon.
DNWM: So what’re you listening to all the time?
TKOG: Oh, y’know, everything. Gregorian chanting, commercial jingles. Right now I’m listening to Stevie Wonder.
DNWM: That’s cool. I go to lots of concerts around here. I’m going to one this weekend, actually.
TKOG: Sweet.
DNWM: Do you have any plans this weekend?
TKOG: Uh, I’ve got to clean my apartment and reread The Great Gatsby oh my god look at the time I’ve got to go bye.
The Verdict: This is why I don’t compliment men. Not because I’m the type of raving narcissist who imagines any guy would fall for her immediately (HA!), but because Murphy’s Law says that any guy I’m seriously not interested in will be the like one guy in five thousand who falls for my accidental charms. That way when I tell the universe, “Dude, seriously, can you not show me some damn love here?” the universe can be like “remember that guy at the bank? geez, all you ever do is complain” and it will be technically right.
I think I’m just going to stick to complimenting women. They’re lovely creatures who smell good and know that I don’t want to hook up with them. That’s as high-pressure as I can get.
Murphy’s Law. It’s always “that” guy. Well, obviously not always. But, hey, at least you aren’t TKOG who says yes, even though you know he isn’t your type.
Oh my gosh, too true! I’m definitely TKOG who’ll compliment the ladies – coworkers’ hair, retail clerks’ jewellery. But men (especially the pretty ones) will only take a compliment one way most of the time. So I’ve taken to making sure I’m holding my coffee by my face with my engagement ring firmly facing forward should I ever feel the need to compliment a fella
Seems to be working okay!
Ummmm, hellooooooooo? EVERYONE knows that if you compliment a guy, he thinks you want to sleep with him. I mean, seriously.
ugh I know!! I try to develop friendly pseudo-relationships with all the women I encounter on a regular basis, like at the local coffee shop and stuff, but I hardly ever do the same with men because this ALWAYS HAPPENS. Like…always.
Then you have the awkward ‘thanks but no thanks’ and then they act as though you’ve completely confused them.
Note to every guy on earth: smiling does not always equal flirting. Really.
I think the chick at the McDonald’s drive through wants in my pants because she always tells me to have a nice day – and I know she has to say…but I think she means it when she says it to me.
Seriously though – what’s to say this guy wasn’t just trying to make pleasant, non-sexually related conversation?
Oh, it’s totally plausible, but I wasn’t taking the risk! Plus, he’s the type of guy that empirically likes me. You’ll have to take my word on this one.
+10 for bringing Blanche Devereaux into the mix.
(I’m the same way as you. NTKOG either.)
I compliment strangers all the time. Men, women, dogs, stuffed animals, whatever.
And if some man thinks I’m hitting on him, that’s kind of his problem. I think it’s okay to just calmly say you’re not interested.
Just because someone hits on you doesn’t mean you have to be uncomfortable. Take it as a compliment, but you can always say no.
Male perspective – If I’m hitting on you (and don’t confuse a little light flirting with being hit on, although yeah, if I’m talking about “I’m going to be doing this. What are you doing this weekend? |or| Would you care to join me? My treat.” I’m hitting on you, not flirting) it’s because I’m interested in a date with you, not just because you gave me a compliment, ok.
I’m definitely a complimentary kind of girl. If I think something or someone looks good I absolutely have to say so. It’s like word vomit, I cannot stop myself. I get into uncomfortable situations that way – a lot. It never fails, I tell a man he has a great tie or a perfect chin (what can I say, a nice chin does it for me) and things take a turn for the uncomfortable I’m-not-hitting-on-you-I-have-a-boyfriend-and-no-interest-in-you conversation or the thanks-but-i-have-a-girlfriend-and-find-you-repugnant reply from him.
Still do it though, I’m the queen of awkward.
I can hear the start of this conversation now:-
C “That’s a great tie you’re wearing.”
K “Thanks. You have terrific hair.” (At this point, I’m going to try and say something complimentary to keep options open)
Dear, how will you ever find a husband if you do not accept dates? Just wondering?
Sister accepts dates. Oh, Mom, you’ll be *so* proud. Details to come later.
I think the woodworks built around me at my desk, whatever the hell those are!
Dear, your father came out of the woodwork and was my one wild fling; then I married him within the year. By woodwork you are not referring to the mouse in your apartment I hope. Please call later.
Dear Mom,
Eww. Words like “wild fling,” “your father,” and “mouse” should never be used in my presence. Please leave such gross comments and stories for TMI Thursday.
Start all male coversations with an insult to ensure that you don’t run into that problem again. Foolproof.
I’m very bad at complimenting men also.
Judging by your experience, maybe I should try and become better at it…
Ha! As a guy who has received compliments on his eyelashes more than once, I know the deal. The odds of turning that kind of compliment into a successful date is like watching Sarah Palin correctly spell ubiquitous on her hand.
Great blog!
Brilliant idea!!
I feel you. But then I think I creep out some girls too, because smell is the one thing I comment on a lot– and then they give you the “why are you getting close enough to smell me” look.
It’s weird, obviously it makes my day to be complimented, but I can’t compliment other people without sounding like a total creeper!
Maybe it’s what I choose to compliment them on?
I think I read somewhere that it’s conversationally neutral to compliment something a person has (earrings, dress, etc.) but it’s more personal to compliment something about the person (smile, eyelashes, etc.) I don’t think I’ve ever gotten into trouble complimenting a guy’s shirt…
so very true. men take simple compliments as a green light to proceed with flirting and asking out and whatnot. despite the whole “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” thing, i just keep my mouth shut when a guy has nice eyes/hair/(fill in the blank).
I dislike talking to men (outside of close friends/family) because I’m always worried they’re going to think I’m flirting. There is nothing worse to may way of thinking.